fuck off.

I'm sick of you and your bullshit. I don't care if I know how it feels. Leave me alone for a fucking day. As if you think calling me names is going to help. I'm starting to get real annoyed, so I suggest you move on. I'm happy so just fucking accept it.

Done.

random talk.

I went to Reilly's viewing yesterday, it was rough. It was all boys but me and Kelly. I hate seeing boys cry, it makes me more upset. It didn't get really sad until we actually seen her. She didn't even look like her. Everyone started crying right away, including myself. I didn't think I would cry. Maybe I was so upset because she was so young. Either way it was hard.
The last few days have been flying by. I hardly remember everything I did because I had plans back to back all day. Tonight Nechelle got a hotel room for her friend from Sarnia visiting so a few of us went. It was fun but I didn't drink because I need to save myself for New Years tomorrow. Nechelle and Nick got pretty drunk. Nick wanted me to mention how much of a champ he is for drinking a 26er of Jager and 4 pints of beer, he rules. Well tomorrow is New Years like I mentioned and i'm really not excited for it like I should be. I have no set plans and it annoys me so much. I don't want any drama shit going on and I don't want to see certain people. We'll see how this works out though. I'm supposed to be pre-drinking and such with Kara, Robyn and Aly but I'm Not 100% on anything right now. I want to see Jon for midnight kiss but I know it won't happen because we are both doing different things. As much as he tells me he trusts me about tomorrow, I know he doesn't. It makes me upset because trust is a big issue for me and I hate feeling like i'm doing something wrong when i'm not. I just want to have a good time tomorrow because I haven't had a good new years in 3 years.
I'm getting really frustrated having to be home every night for my dog because i'm not used to it at all. It makes me more and more mad everyday that they are gone and I wasn't even considered to be invited. It sucks even more being on watch by my neighbors, I personally think they have no right to say anything to me yet they still do.

Sorry for the depressing rambling.
Goooooodnight.

new beginnings.

I thought about Reilly all day for the past two days. I think about her the most when I drive, it scares me. Today was decent otherwise. I worked this morning, went shopping with Kara and i'm going to the movies with Beth tonight to see Avatar in 3D. Everyone says it's amazing so i'm kinda looking forward to it. I haven't seen the bf in two days. I like the space but I do miss him. I talked to Chris a lot yesterday about relationships. We are sort of in the same position and it was good to have someone understand what I am going through and I was happy to help him. It is so different starting a new relationship. I am so used to being in the same relationship with the same person and just knowing everything about them and being so used to them being around. I like the new excitement, how we can talk about anything for hours and never get bored, how I miss him in the weirdest ways when he's gone, and meeting all these new people and becoming friends with his friends. I love it, and I like him a real lot too. I hope he knows, and I hope I show it enough.

Well movie time.

So long for now.

change.

Remember back when I wanted change. Dyed and cut hair + stretched ears. Well, here we are!

; )

goodbye.

Reilly.

Everyone who knew you misses you more then words can express. I'm sorry your life was taken at 18, which is hardly an age to even understand life. I didn't know you well but from what I do know you were a great person. One day you will be back with all the people you love. It makes me upset thinking about how young you were, how you had no choice, how you never got to say goodbye. I don't even know what to say. I couldn't imagine this happening to someone I was close to. I give my best to all the people who loved you with everything. R.i.p. <3

why?

It's now 4am on Christmas day. I still feel the same about it all. I really shouldn't but I can't help it. Why is there no snow? Why am I sleeping on a couch in the house I 'live' in? Why can't I feel better? I hate you Christmas. I need to attempt to sleep but I don't want to wake up until 2010 so I can skip all this bullshit. I need a new years resolution that will make me proud.

I will think about it and hopefully it makes me fall asleep.

Goodnight.

forgive me.

Why do I have to feel like absolute shit tonight? I need my boy like right now to make me laugh and cuddle with me so I become a happy girl. I feel like I got a huge load off my chest tonight. I am so happy I finally decided to not be scared and just be truthful. He deserved it and so do I. Thank you for being understanding and talking this out no matter how upset we both were. I just want to see you happy again. It would mean the world to me.

That is all.

Mrs. Grinch.

Christmas Eve is lame. So is Christmas though. I actually can't wait for it to be over. I'm so glad I work tomorrow 3 till 11 so I don't have to spend time with the family I never got along with. It's weird that I don't care, but I mean like I said, my friends are my family. I wish Sarah and my dad would just leave now so I can be alone in this house for 2 weeks without them in my way. I was totally mad about them not telling me or inviting me but as the day of departure gets closer I am glad i'm staying here with the people that actually care about me. I would totally miss Jon too much too. I think we're really starting to like each other more and more, which is really great! I love spending time with him because I always have so much fun and he makes me laugh and smile more then anyone could. I miss living with my mom. She doesn't care about anything I do and even though she can never really provide me with much, my dad treats me like I don't exist and I hate it.

Holidays, go away!

why do you do this to me...

How can I forget you

when your always on mind?

How can I not want you

when your all I want inside?

How can I let you go

when I can't see us apart?

How can I not love you

when you control my heart?

Dream,

..its the key to our earth, so go out there and show'em what your worth. Succeed, reach all of your goals. Don't have regret, one day you'll get old.

shopping!

So I am pretty happy about today. I got to hangout with Emily and she always makes me laugh so much. We went shopping all over the place for my last minute shopping because I suck. I got stuff for my mom, dad and my boy of course. He doesn't know I got him anything yet but he will after he reads this! I hope he likes it. He most likely will though so i'm not that worried! Tonight I have to make an appearance for my friends birthday party, because I haven't seen him nor his friends in what seems like forever. I actually miss all of them a lot. After making my appearance I am going back to see my love Emily and have a cute sleep over! Tomorrow is Christmas eve! It honestly doesn't feel like it at all. Maybe it's because i'm not 5 any more and I won't get anything. I'm not a family person either. I consider my close friends to be family, and I've always been that way because my family has never been there for me like my friends and we don't get along much. I guess i'm a pretty independent person, but I like it better this way. I am the new clothes I bought today and the fact my ears are finally the same size! They probably won't be for long though because I bought tunnels for the next size up and I just want to wear them now! I'm also starting to like winter better. It looks nice when it snows. I've had a big problem being cold pretty much all the time though, I wish my dad turned up the heat in here..

I am starving and totally craving McDs ! Damn you boyfriend for making me addicted.

: (

yay for birthdays!

I've had a good last few days, hence the no blogging. Boyfriend is now 19! It was also Nick's Birthday. We went out last night to a random bar in Welland then did a bunch of random other shit. We never got home until 6am but it was so much fun. After the bar, we went to the Casino and shortly after we got there, a car chase ended up leading this guy to drive right through the Casino doors! It was actually pretty cool to see all the shit going on there. Well that happened at about 2 or 3am. When we left we went to McDs of course, seeing as it is the birthday boys' favorite. We were planning on watching the sunrise but we got too tired so we headed home after spending an hour walking around Walmart. Today we woke up around 230pm. It was so nice to sleep in for once because I've been working almost every morning. I work tomorrow morning too at 9am, totally not looking forward to that. I have to go Christmas shopping too. I've been kinda busy to go and no one has told me what they want so I finally asked today. Tonight we went for Chinese for Jon's birthday and we're going to Boston Pizza later on with some people. I'm really interested in Jon playing Halo to be writing right now but I miss it.

I have been feeling kinda shitty about what I did still, but tonight will probably make it better because I will see Nechelle and hopefully she doesn't hate me. I will update on that though. Jon's made me feel better about it but I can't help but be upset that all his best friends are mad at me. It means a lot to me that they like me.

It's time to pick up the crew and party though. Later days bloggy.

Ps. Happy Birthday Babee! You make me real happy.

<3

sorry.

Today i'm kinda upset at myself. I know what I did was wrong and I don't wanna hurt my boy. I know I did and he forgave me. I still feel shitty about it. I need to control myself when I drink. Shots suck. Sticking to beer forever. We talked it over and stuff so I feel better about it, but I still think about it. I think what bothers me most is that I don't know what actually happened, I just heard from someone there. At the same time though, if I wasn't so drunk it would have never happened. I am sorry and I mean it. I promised him and Nick it would never happen again. I know I already did before it happened and the second time around shouldn't be so convincing but I do mean it. He means a lot to me.

drink up, party hard.

So I haven't wrote in a few days, I missed it!

Last night I went to Boston Pizza with Jeff and A.j. after pre-drinking at my house. It was so much fun! I got to see everyone from high school that I never get to see because we all go to school and never have time. Well it was sweet cause everyone was buying me drinks, I think I was double fisting most of the night. It got bad when Jeff's sister made me take shots with her. I drink beer and only beer, so I was really iffy about it. She convinced me, which was a bad idea because I don't remember much of the night after that. I remember going outside and seeing Jon and Shannon and a few other people. Apparently Jon drove to my house to get my car and sat on Nick's lap in the front but I don't remember that at all. I remember showing Nick how to reverse in my car, then it skips to when I threw up in my car on the way to Jon's. I guess I could hardly walk and Nick put me in Jon's bed shoved a bucket in my face, but I wasn't sick after that. I woke up this morning feeling like complete shit obviously and had to go straight to work which wasn't fun. After last night I hope i'm never that drunk for awhile. I like hearing about the funny shit I don't remember, but I don't like finding out the stuff that shouldn't have happened.

I'm too cold to continue to write, haha for real.

...to be continued ! : )

skating time!

Me and Beth went skating today! It was tons of fun and it made it seem a lot more like Christmas time, which I was really happy about. We went down to the new Rink at the Brink and it's pretty awesome. We were the only ones there which was cool at first but then we realized how it's not as much fun because we can't make fun of all the people who fall and can't skate. Hahaha, Oh well! Either way it was a great day, despite how cold it was! We got tea and muffins after too!

<333

Shannon.

I had an amazing night with my friend Shannon. I honestly love her so much. She made my day completely. Even if I only see her like once every 2 months or something ridiculous I know I can always confide in her with my latest gossip and she understands every word. We talked about how much we love how we can just get together randomly over Starbucks and vent our crazy lives. I am now COMPLETELY sure that the only people I talk to right now are the only ones I want in my life. She has helped me so much in the last year, and i'm happy to say I did the same for her. I'm glad we got to know each other the way we did and i'm so happy to call her one of my best friends. I missed her so much and i'm glad we got together.

fix you.

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above earth or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

i just haven't met you yet.

Isn't it weird how you can go from meeting someone in a random place, from a random conversation, not even knowing them and years, months or days later be so in love with them? I believe everything happens for a reason and this for sure happens with everyone. Even if you don't marry the person i'm sure everyone once in their life encounters someone that they end up being with, with no intention or thought in their mind that that person that just walked by is going to be their next boyfriend or girlfriend. I think it's the coolest thing to have a memory like that with someone you end up with because you always know your going to laugh about it. Just thinking about it makes me smile.

silence.

I don't know what to say. I have too much on my mind.

imagine everything you can.

I feel like playing halo, eating food and being a complete bum all day. I'm upset because this won't happen for the simple fact that I don't have Xbox, and hardly anything good to eat in this house. Maybe i'll try some Playstation 3, it won't be the same but i'll have to do something with my life today before I work at around 7. Not looking forward to that.

I will report back when I have done something productive.

See you later.

awake on my airplane.

Can everyone agree that no one should be left alone,
Can everyone agree that they should not be left alone.

boyfriend.

We made this for Nechelle, Jon's best friend. : )

This makes me so happy. YOU make me so happy.

Top 6 favorite things from today(6 being fav):

1. Made chocolate milk - medium of course

2. Christmas lunch/delish omelettes

3. Napping while you did your homework, and you napping while I wrote this so you can stay up late with me

4. Did nothing all day like old people

5. You falling asleep hugging me, real cute

6. Your Christmas card to me made me sooo happy, you have no idea

Ps. Yeah you get 6, just cause you're that amazing.

<3

you make it hard for breathing.

I hate when you have an instinct about something and your always right. It makes me feel so sick when I find out it's true. I get this weird stomach rot feeling, I hate it so much. Finding out something you didn't want to know, but technically already knew is upsetting and I wish stuff didn't happen like that. I wish everyone just came out and said it before it makes you feel like shit.

I'm glad I didn't feel like this today, and I surprised what I found out didn't bother me as much as I think it should. No one should feel like this.

mhm.

....

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

You know that I love you, I love you enough to let you go.

boy.

I had an awesome night last night. There is this boy who makes me happier then ever right now. I feel so amazing when i'm around him and he couldn't be sweeter. Everything and anything he does puts me in the best mood and I cant help but just smile. I love how comfortable we are with each other and how I can be a complete idiot but he thinks it's cute anyways. I look forward to his cute messages everyday and i'm glad he looks forward to mine. He makes my day just about everyday and he never has to try. I'm glad he's there for me even if it's about stuff that he shouldn't be. I hope he continues to make me this happy and I hope I make him feel the same. I like where we are and I hope this continues to get better!

You send me love through post cards and it gets to me
I tape everyone inside this little book
That I sleep with every night, it never leaves my sight
Cause it inspires me to do the things I do

You told me once you want to run away with me
See the world for once through your perfect brown eyes
And I'd leave with you tonight if you would ask me to
There wouldn't be a doubt or question in my mind

I love your smile and your laugh and that grin you sometimes do
You amaze me every day with something new
If I made a list of things I love about you girl
It would spread from Madagascar to Peru

I know you're tired and you're broken and that every day's the same
You say the whole worlds full of liars and your lack of trust's to blame
But if you ask me this one time
I swear I wouldnt let you down
I swear I'll do my best to keep you around

We keep adding to this list of things we'll someday do
Have a home, a dog, maybe have a kid or two
There's no one else that I can dream of building that life with
I've waited my whole life
I'm glad that I found you

Some people just won't understand how much you truly mean to me
I don't mind, that quite irrelevant, you see
What matters most is that we're here against all of the odds
It's living proof that all these things were meant to be

If you're looking for the truth then Im right here
I can be there for you right now and through every coming year

There no distance I won't drive
No force strong enough to push this love aside

<3

right now.

'Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.'

This makes me think so much and every time I hear it, it kinda makes me sad. It brings me back to when me and Jake broke up. At the time, for some reason I was so scared to be with out him. But that sentence would play over and over in my head and It helped me realize that not being with him was okay.

I am so happy for everything right now.

sleep is for the weak.

I am so tired all the time lately! It honestly makes me mad. I hate sleeping, it's the biggest waste of time! Like who the fuck invented this shit!? All summer I maybe slept like 3 hours a night and I was super happy about it because I was always out doing something fun and I survived. Maybe it caught up to me and my body is all pissed off. Well, all I gotta say is that it better end soon!

medium.

I like my chocolate milk medium. I cannot stand chocolate milk from jugs or anything else it comes in. It must be made for me or by me via chocolate syrup. I like it medium, not too chocolatey (yeah i know it's not a word) but not too milky. Yummm.

Ps. This is just for Jon because I know how much he loves how i'm such a 5 year old. Plus i'm drinking it righttttt now! : )

good day.

I went to see Dane Cook tonight in Hamilton! As we me and Sarah stood in the beer line waiting for my dad in the bathroom, this guy walks up to us asking where were sitting. I turned away right away because I thought he was hitting on us! Turns out he hands us tickets for front row seats! I was like no fucking way! A bunch of guys who worked their were going around handing them out to random people, and we were one of them. I was super happy! The show ended up being pretty damn funny. Two other guys opened for them and they were good too. Sadly i didn't get a shirt, but I didn't want to stand in the giant line. It was honestly the weirdest show ever, it made me think about things.

So these two girls I guess made this giant flashy sign and he pointed it out. The sign said something about letting Dane do whatever he wanted. So he mentioned seeing some boobs and one of the girls actually flashed him! like WTF???????? Did a comedy show just turn into Jerry Springer? Are girls THAT desperate? Then this other girl runs up and throws something on stage. Dane turns around and picks it up.. of course it's her bra! Once again.. really? Girls are whores and it makes me mad. Do they think Dane is actually going to want to have something to do with them after they pull that slutty shit?! And every other fucking girl in the world drools over him so why should this be new to him? Ugh, just makes me hate girls more. Like obviously I find him quite attractive but I would never ever make a fool out of myself like that!

On a better note, I am enjoying chips and dip at the moment alone in my cold house. I find it nice to be alone for once; which is weird because I usually can't stand it. Maybe I need more 'me' time? Hmm..

Also, my day other then that was a good one. I slept in, showered, ate and talked to my dad. I liked just taking the day slow until I had made plans to go out with Jon and Mitch. I liked how they came to visit only if it was just for two hours. I think that made my day. They can make me laugh more then Dane Cook ever could!

Cecil.

So.. I woke up so sad this morning for the obvious reason of a bad dream. I had this dream that i was at like a store or something and I parked my car in a parking spot right by the door. I for some reason left my car key right by my car on some box thing. Sarah was their sitting on the curb by my car so I felt okay to leave it as I ran somewhere for a minute. I came back from where ever I was from the side of the building and all I see Is the back of my car and all these people around with a tow truck and stuff. I started freaking out saying 'is that my car?' and Sarah was just like 'yeah' and looked scared. I asked what happened still freaking out and some random walks up and said that he wanted to test out my car. I looked at him and started crying. I was so upset and didn't know what to do. After that I was punching the tow truck for some reason (haha i'm so tough) and still crying... Then I woke up.

Thank god he is still okay. Worst dream ever.

I fucking love my car.

Bad dreams suck! : (

I go through friends like toilet paper.

Honestly, I have been thinking so much about this lately and I believe I was just convinced my life needs to change friend wise. I absolutely love meeting new people and making new friends, don't get me wrong.. but I need to stick to a main group of close friends because I feel like I have been hurt by too many "good friends" in the past. I know I have been a bad friend in a lot of different ways and to a lot of different people but I have most deffinatly matured from that, and I want to keep my bests close to me.

I have been having a hard time trusting people within the last year, maybe because of everyone comming and going? I'm not sure but I do know that I am most deffinatly the kind of girl who rather hangout with a boy over a girl any day and in every way I love it. I feel like I belong more with a group of good guy friends. They make me so happy.

My Boys:

1. Jake: You mean a lot to me. Between everything we've been through and our whole relationship I can honestly say that you are still my best friend. I trust you with my life and I am so comfortable telling you anything. I am so happy that we are still so close despite the fact that we're no longer dating. It's been an awesome 3 and a half years with you and I couldnt regret a moment. I love you.
2. Chris: I like how much we gossip when were together and you always cheer me up. I love how much you care about how i'm feeling and make me get over it because you hate seeing me sad. You always make me laugh at the dumbest things but I love your humour. I'm so glad you've been close to me for so long, never change.
3. Mark: Funniest boy. You honestly make me laugh at every word that comes out of your mouth. It's hilarious how sarcastic you are and how I always laugh when your trying to be mean or serious. I like our 7-Eleven/TimWens/cruise hangouts cause I tell you all my dumb stories and you make fun of me. Then I help you with all your crazy problems. We make a damn good team.
_______________________________

I have seriously had so many issues with girls, and I hate it; these girls keep me sane and I love them for their own reasons, No matter what.

My Girls:

1. Emily: Couldn't be a better friend if you tried. I love how much you look out for me and care about me. You aren't afraid to tell me exactly how you feel about what I do with my life and I love your confidence in me. No one else believes in me like you do.
2. Beth: Even though we didn't talk for almost 2 years, when you came back it's like you never left. Things picked right back up from where they left off and I love our gossip, tea and food nights more then anything. I am so happy you are back! Never leave us again, I think we belong together.
3. Kara: We always have our ups and downs but I love how similar we are. You always help me with my weird problems and I love it. You've been my good friend for a pretty long time now, and we have both changed so much but im glad we changed together.


I have other friends that I can trust with certain issues or other ones that I love to be around but these people make my life. I couldn't live without them. I feel so much better now. I am not going to let anyone bother me about stupid drama and bullshit. I am truly done with that. I want to live my life without worry.

Yep, goodnight.

fail.

Napping is a complete waste of time.
I just wasted 3 hours of my day, and I was supposed to go do a bunch of shit.

Fuck.
Enough said.

lol.

Breakfast of champions:
-Leftover kfc
-Vanilla yogurt
-O.j.
-Toblerone

Yup. I am happy.

Ps. I need a fucking haircut, i can never trust anyone with it though.
Hair dyed possibly too? Anddddd i want to start to stretch my ears. I think it would suit me..

Change, woo. ; )

happy.

Top 5 things i love right now about myself:
1. How i am meeting a lot of new people
2. New beginnings
3. Change
4. My happiness
5. Being outgoing

I think that makes the most sense as of now. And I want to continue this 'change' because i find that I am more happy this way. And I want to stay happy because i wasn't happy for awhile and now that I am, it feels amazing.

<3