can you wait 'til then?

It's been over a week I think since I wrote last. Blogging makes me feel a lot better and I hate that I don't have internet at my mom's. It feels weird to blog when i'm with Jon but I can't wait to write any longer. I've missed it, so here's what's been up. I've done a lot of hanging out with the same crew and of course my girls. I like who I see all the time because they are the people that really matter to me and they make me really happy! I went to the movies with Shannon last week, so it was nice to see her but we need to have a gossip day because we never got to talk much. I went out for breakfast to Cora's with Beth and Emily and it was really good; one of the best breakfast places I've been to! This weekend I went to Dragon Fly on Friday for the first time and then Chili Pepper Saturday for the first time. Both of the places were really fun, but I didn't drink. We had v.i.p. at Dragon Fly but it really never made a difference when you were in there, it was kind of just a place to sit and there was another bar.

I have been having trouble with Jake lately and I wish I could just be okay with him. It sucks a lot because I always thought we would be close friends, but now he says he hates me. I feel like I never did anything wrong and I have been trying to be really nice, ask him to hangout, and talk to him about anything but he seems to still resent me. I got upset this morning when he said he didn't want to talk to me anymore. I guess I never really pictured him not being around, and now that I realized, i'm really sad. I will get over it obviously but for now I want to see if I can actually sit down with him and get some closure on some stuff. I love him as a person still no matter what happens so I hope that helps.

This kind of brings me to think about my Summer List. Number 50 on the list says that I want to fall in love. When I say it like that it's just words, but when I think about it, it might be harder then it seems. Jake was the first and only person I have been in love with, and I would never forget that because you of course never forget your first love. Now that I am with Jon, everything is different and I really love it and really like him but I don't know how easy it will be to tell another person I love them. No matter if I feel it or not, it is just different and makes me feel bad in a way because it's like I think Jake would be mad and sad that I could love someone else. It's weird that I even care about this but it's hard not to think about sometimes.

Well movie time, no more depressing ranting for me.

Summer List.

Tonight me and Jon decided to make a 'Summer List' of all the things we want to do or accomplish this summer together and with friends. I'm going to post it here because I want it to be like a personal goal. I also want to have an unforgettable summer before I go back to school in September. When I complete something on the list i'll reference it to the number and post a picture. Enjoy!

1. Go to the beach everyday for a week

2. Sunday Fundays as many Sunday's as possible

3. Get dark!

4. Road trip to Québec

5. Play Frisbee

6. Make a Summer playlist

7. Have bonfires

8. Go camping

9. Skip rocks

10. Fly a kite

11. Go to Mitch's house in Stratford

12. Drive Nick's jeep to the beach

13. Go to Avondale Dairy Bars

14. Build a sandcastle

15. Have a 'beach day'

16. Go to the Gorge and watch the sunset

17. Go to the Gorge and watch the sunrise

18. Re-attempt Nick and Jon's birthday party

19. Fund raise to get me a new tattoo

20. Walk everywhere

21. Go on the Maid of the Mist (Jon's never been)

22. Fall asleep outside

23. Build a tire swing

24. Go skinny dipping

25. Have a Toronto day trip

26. Go to Warp Tour

27. Have a lazy day

28. Make smores

29. Read a book

30. Go to Canal Days for the fire works

31. Video tape a whole day

32. Draw a giant picture with all our friends

33. Try to convince Jon's parents to get a Doberman puppy

34. Go fishing

35. Play beach volleyball

36. Eat corn on the cob for a week

37. Invent something

38. Jump on a trampoline

39. Go floating on Chippawa Creek

40. Drink all day (Kool Aid for Jon)

41. Ride bikes

42. Go to some of Jon's ball hockey games

43. Hit up the drive in

44. Buy Jean a Birthday cake!

45. Swim in the Ocean

46. Go to a farm

47. Go to the Circus

48. Movie Marathon

49. A whole day without cell phones

50. Fall in Love.

day and night.

I am frustrated, irritated and uncomfortable. I want to drive home right now. I wish I could. I can't wait for tomorrow. I actually never thought I would say that because I really do love it here. Maybe it's because we have been around one another more then enough and I think I miss my good old home town loves. I feel like just going to bed to wake up to tomorrow, but I won't because it's my last night here. When I went out last night I had a lot of fun. Me and Kara danced together the whole night because everyone else was wherever. I didn't drink a lot because of my lack of money but I was just wanting to dance anyways. We danced a lot on the platforms, and it's weird because I was thinking last night about how self conscious I used to be when I danced. I never felt comfortable in front of anyone, even my friends and I find it so exciting to do things like that now, it's like a complete new me but I love it. I wish I was never so shy and awkward when I was younger. I think a lot of things could have been different, but i guess it's too late for that now. Either way, I enjoyed last night, and it was the best night I've had in a while.

I feel like a bitch right now because I was trying to help Emily with something but I think I made it worse. I don't think she understood what I was trying to say at all, so I guess I will have to wait to explain it in person if I see her this weekend. Things with the boy are better now which I'm happy about because I felt bad for ignoring him the whole night. I do think it was ideal though because I don't do shit like that to make it worse, I do it so he can understand how I feel and how relationships work. He was really understanding though and i'm glad we were on the same page about things later on. I just told Jake that when we hangout, whenever that is, that I don't need him telling me that he wants me back anymore and that I just want to be like normal friends. I really hope he understands because I will be more then happy to see us just get along like we never dated. That doesn't mean I will forget that we did, I just mean that as an example.

For now I think I'm done writing. Goodnight.

I won't chase you if you run.

I thought some people were different, turns out they're not. I was happy, having a perfectly good day until now. I hate getting in fights with people I tend to get along with. I didn't think we would ever fight about anything but I guess I was wrong. I am sick of fighting in relationships and i'm not going to be put through that anymore because it is pointless and stupid and I have learned from it in more then enough ways. I think we should be cool with whatever goes on in each other's lives unless it's something we really need to have a problem with and I can understand. I don't personally think this will continue but I don't want to talk to him right now. It kind of hurts me that he has no trust in me because like I said, and continue to say, I have no interest in anyone but him. I am done crying over boys and feeling like shit. I want to be happy so i'm going to continue to be happy, he just has to convince me more then ever now that this is what he wants, that he has more then enough trust in me and that he knows being with me is going to be stressful sometimes but working together is what makes a relationship work. Right now, you've made it worse by leaving. I can't wait to go out and have fun tonight and get this feeling off my chest. It's been awhile since I've been out to dance and I couldn't be more excited.

work it out.

I think maybe I should work out or something while i'm here in London. I already feel like i'm getting fat from laying around and eating. Being here gives me no physical activity what so ever, which is horrible. A lot of the girls are into working out and stuff so maybe i'll join them. For now though I will continue to be a lazy couch potato, and eat my delicious McD's that my damn boyfriend got me eating at least once a week.

I want to read a book soon. I miss reading a lot. I also think I've mentioned this in a recent, previous blog. I hope someone here has a good book to read, other then Sarah's lame book by Lauren Conrad. Books by lame celebrities just don't have any interest or story line to me. The last book I read was amazing so I hope the next one will be just as good. I wish I could write a book. I would be so proud of myself because I am horrible at writing anything. I write worse stories then a five year old. I have no imagination when it comes to writing or drawing and it makes me mad because I feel like i'm a pretty good drawer but I can only draw good by looking at pictures.

I'm going out drinking and dancing tomorrow and I can't wait because I love to dance and I wanted to so bad when I went out Saturday but things didn't work out. Jon is a little nervous about it but I completely understand because of what happened last time I was here for my birthday and we all went out. I don't think he really understands that the only person I have any interest in is him. I like trying to convince him though 'cause he gets all giddy and happy when I tell him and I love seeing him smile like that. I think it's good that we don't have all of the same interests because I like going out with my friends and doing my own sort of thing and then I like spending time with him and his friends doing all the random stuff we do that I love.

I am obsessed.

I have so many tattoo ideas. It makes me mad how poor I am because I would get a new tattoo each day if I could until I was completely satisfied with my body. I am so obsessed, I think about new ideas at least once a day. Why did I pick such an expensive hobby? These are my current ideas;

-white ink on my collar bone

-quote down my arm(top part)

-something on my foot, a picture of some sort

-maybe something behind my ear, in it or on back of my neck

-back of my ankle

-wrist

That's what I know I want right now. I will never get another color tattoo though, like the on on my ankle. Black and white feels so vintage or something. I like it on me.

Well it's 3:15 am.. Goodnight.

update.

I miss my blog so much, it's been like a month I feel but I just don't have internet anymore because my dad kicked me out. Not a surprise though, i'm the unwanted child in my family. I went to my dad's house today to feed poor little Fredrick and grab some clothes and he asked if I was mad at him. I can't really be but he said I was a bad kid. Like what does that even mean?! I don't know what I did that was so wrong. Whatever i'm over it. I'm back in London now, been here for about a half hour. I love it here and I'm super happy i'm staying until Friday.

la la la.

I came home yesterday and I think I hate it here. I'm sick of looking at the same city that I have been for 19 years. I am almost positive I want to move away for school next year. Today I am going to get more added to my tattoo because I don't think it goes low enough. I am also getting a tattoo on my finger. I am way to addicted, but it's really the only thing I have a real interest in. I'm going to Beth's soon and she is going to come with me later for my tattoo. Then I have plans with Jon but i'm not sure what's going on with that. Last day until I work 3 days in a row, I must make it a good one.

you sound like you're from London!

I've been in London where Sarah lives for 3 days now. I feel like I need to be away from my real life for as long as I can right now. I hate thinking about how I fucked a bunch of shit up. I'm really stressed out and being here keeps my mind off of it. Being with people I trust, with no drama or anything to care about feels good. I also like the feeling of no one else existing but the people in this house, as bad as that sounds. All we have been doing is sleeping, eating, watching movies/t.v., and talking. It's nice to relax I guess. I want this weekend to be fun when I get home but I have to work Friday, Saturday, Sunday! I wish I could just stay here for a month, but that would fuck a lot of shit up. I need to start being more responsible, I need to start thinking with goals in mind. Maybe this can be my new years resolution? It would be the best thing i've had in mind for awhile.

These are the top 5 goals I want to acheive in the next couple months:
1. Get a second job;
2. Get more tattoos;
3. Get a place with Beth, I hate home and I miss having a bedroom more then anything;
4. Pay off debts;
5. Figure out what I want to do next year with school.

Yes, so far so good. I'll keep you posted.

what did I do?

When you just think things are going okay and you are more then happy, of course everything and I mean EVERYTHING fucks up. Why did I fuck this up? I shouldn't have been so care free, I shouldn't have just assumed things would be okay. I am so mad at myself that I could cry for days and not think twice about it. I feel like shit, I feel like I just wasted so much time and energy. I just keep asking myself dumb questions and wondering what the fuck i'm going to do now. I want to die.

clueless.

Today I learned of one more boy trying to get me back. Why do boys seem to open up their whole heart to me as soon as i'm no longer available to them? Honestly, this has been happening to me ever since I was in grade 9 when I got my first boyfriend, Brad. You think they would know what they want when it's right in front of them, when they had the chance. But, nope they never do until they realize I am not around anymore. I guess the saying " absence makes the heart grow stronger" applies here. I do understand that feeling for sure, because it has happened to me. But, at the same time I know now that if I want something I will never let it go. Maybe it is something you have to learn from though and he probably never has. I also don't understand if someone is scared of something they run from it because they always end up knowing they made a huge mistake and kick themselves in the ass for it everyday. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

the broken things in all our lives.

I got a tattoo today and i'm so happy how it turned out! I love it and I love tattoos and I want more every minute. I hope to get another one sometime soon! Aiming to get it before vacation in February, but it might not happen. The last 2 nights I have slept home alone. It's weird not having Jon around but it's also nice to miss him. I have about 4-ish more days to myself until the family gets home and I want to use them wisely. Tomorrow i'm probably spending most of the day out though which I am happy about because my house is starting to make me a little nuts. School is in a week and I am not looking forward to it whatsoever, it is way too hard and frustrating. I miss the easy elementary school life where you knew everything, got good grades, was friends with the whole class, there was no drama, girls weren't backstabber's, you woke up excited to go to school, and you were happy every minute of everyday. Shouldn't you be happier getting older and being able to experience new things because you are free? It seems this way but in all reality things get hard and stressful and full of basic unhappiness. I'm not saying this in a bad way but it is true and I miss being a little kid.

inspire me.

How do you know your not making the biggest mistake? That one day you might wake up and regret all the decisions you made because you never took the risk of getting hurt again, because you gave up, because it was easier than dealing with the truth... Don’t take the easy way out because you don’t want to deal with a problem, work for what you want and eventually it will all be worth it.

If I try hard enough, I think I could forget it.

I want to be drama free. I thought I was, until I find out some shit a certain someone has been saying. It honestly makes me so mad because no matter how much I hate her I would never lower myself to that level of just telling random people fucked up lies. It hurts me even more when people ask me about stuff and I have to personally convince them otherwise. On top of that, I am basically fighting for one of my best friends and I don't want her to be in the middle. I know I shouldn't worry because I did nothing wrong to her for her to even hate me, and I'm still not saying anything bad about her other then how I feel about the situation. I am not going to start anything because I feel like I am better then her and I know she is just waiting to hear from me. Why can't I be a tough girl and make her scared of me so she shuts her mouth? Ugh.

Ps! New tattoo tomorrow at 5! Looking very forward to it even though its prob going to hurt like a bitch. I'm a tank when it comes to tattoos though. I am so addicted. I already know what I want next!

Pps. Snow rules. I wish it was packing snow though! Snowmen making needs to happen a.s.a.p!

i'm happy just because.

Last night I got drunk which was pretty fun. There was like 15 of us who went to Boston Pizza. I love all of Jon's friends, they are honestly the funnest people. I always have fun no matter what with all of them. I just got up and its 3:00. I'm such a lazy ass, but then again I never got to bed until like 6am again. I love staying up with Jon though. It's nice to be able to be so comfortable with him and we just talk about random stuff all night. I think we're really cute together, is that conceited? Well I don't care if it is actually! But real talk, I really like this guy. Yup.

JON LOISEL WAS HERE : D. Just sayin'.

One day you'll see that I wrote this for you babe. Hehe.

You're really really cute. And I think I wanna cuddle with you righw now. :-)

does this make sense?

It's 2010 which seems pretty crazy because I remember back when it was just becoming the year 2000. Last night was okay, could have been better. It was the best New Years I've had in about 3 years so I can't complain too much. I wasn't drunk which was pretty shitty but i'm glad I can actually remember what I did. Boston Pizza was fun because everyone was there and I like seeing everyone. Jon missed the midnight kiss but thats okay because I spent the rest of the night with him and caught him 12 minutes later! I spent too much money today, I need to save for vacation in February. I like being home alone right now just listening to music and doing nothing because i'm tired. I never made a new years resolution, and i'm mad cause I really don't have a clue on what to make one. I will get back to you on that.